Well, I'm done with classes at SUNY Fredonia for ever. very odd feeling, there is a strange emptiness that is surprisingly full of wonderful memories, and incredible excitement for the future. I had a dream the other night, one I had a very long time ago, but haven't envisioned in a while. In the dream, I'm about 30, and I have a wonderful job on LI, and I'm going to the city almost every weekend to see an opera, or a ballet, or to see the phil! It is a wonderful dream, and it reminds me of all the things I will be doing in a very short amount of time! With that gleam of hope for the future, I sit here and don't feel so bad for leaving.
When I graduated High School, I was so nervous about leaving the musical life I had, I never could allow myself to be excited to go to bigger and greater musical things. Now, I'm looking at that fear as fuel to make sure that my next step into the future is looked forward to! why should i be afraid of the future, there are all great things in the future! I'll have a job, the ability to go see great performances on an almost weekly basis, and to perform as much as I want as soon as I start getting gigs.
The last week has been great. I had my conducting final, I had a great conversation with Dr. Holcomb about the future. Met Fang Fang from the Beijing Wind Orchestra, went on another wine tour, and had many great meals and other things with friends! Student Teaching meeting sucked, but its alright because its over, and I know have all of the things i need to student teach next semester which is extremely exciting. I have been doing in my power not to pack, I know thats when the water works are going to start and the fear is going to set in. But right now, I'm looking forward to the future as i reminisce about the past. When I came into college I had only one CD of any symphony, Mahler's 3rd conducted by Claudio Abbado. As I sit here now, I enjoy it on such a deeper level then I could ever do in 2005. It's fabulous how much my mind has rewired since then. What college does to you is just amazing, the way you make friends, to deal with professional problems, to the fact that you get afraid of pooping in front of people. Some things are huge, some little, but in ever aspect of who you are, you change.
I have a feeling the next time i write in this i will either be sitting in this room for the last time, with everything packed crying, or ill be home, wishing i could go back for just one day... either way, i am trying my best to stay positive. the future holds great things for me. Wonderful new places and exciting new ideas are just around the corner, and only I can look forward to them!
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